Little story 'bout Josh and Dhiana...

A Quick Note Before You Read:

This is a true story from a cruise I was on—word-for-word what happened over lunch one day. I wrote it down minutes after Josh (our main character) walked away because the interaction stuck with me.I share it not as dating advice or a "how to get girls" playbook, but as a real example of how basic social skills can trip people up—especially young guys who've had limited chances to practice talking to people (women included). Josh dumped a lot of personal stuff unfiltered because he was nervous and eager; I felt for him, and I think a lot of us have been there in some form.The lessons that follow are about everyday conversation calibration: listening better, sharing positively without self-sabotaging, reading the room, and giving others space. These apply to making friends, networking, family chats, or any human interaction—not just flirting. If the story highlights struggles around attraction or virginity, it's only because that's what Josh openly brought up. My goal is gentle, practical help for anyone feeling socially "clueless," because those skills aren't innate; we all learn through awkward moments like this one. If you found this page while searching for pickup lines or dating tactics, this isn't that. If you're here because you've felt like Josh, or want to help someone who does—welcome. Let's learn from real life. ------------- Little story 'bout Josh and Dhiana.

I had just finished my lunch and was about to stand up, but then some random guy pulled back one of the chairs at my table and said, “Mind if I join you?”, as he sat down without waiting for an answer.

“Make yourself at home,” I said as I settled back into my chair, “What’s your name?”

“Josh from Texas” he said tipping the rim of his faded baseball cap in my direction, “This is my second cruise ever and your juggling show was my favorite part.”

“Well thank you,” I said, “I’m glad you enjoyed it. What was your 2nd favorite part?”

He scooped a big bite of mashed potatoes into his mouth and thought for a second, “Well I’d say chasing girls,” he said, “but I haven’t had much luck of it.”

“I can imagine,” I smiled knowingly, “The Alaska itinerary is mostly married couples and retirees, a young guy like you would have better luck in the Caribbean.”

“That may be,” he said, “But this is the one my parents wanted to go on and they paid my way, so I’ll take what I can get. I moved out on my own when I started college and I don’t make much at my job.”

“What are you doing for work?” I asked.

Josh sat up straight and with a flourish of his hand said, “For a long time I wanted to be an actor, but currently I’m a meal transfer specialist!”

“What exactly is that?” I asked puzzled.

He leaned in slightly, “I’m a waiter,” he whispered.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a waiter,” I said encouragingly “I worked in restaurants for a few years, it taught me some great lessons.”

“It’s ok for now I guess.” he said as he cut into his prime rib, “But once I finish school I’ll be set, I’m studying to be an aeronautical propulsion systems mechanic.”

“Sounds complex,” I said now interested in the conversation, “A buddy of mine builds wooden aircraft from scratch using vintage plans from the 30’s.”

“That’s a big project,” he said, “I fixed a control box off an old…” his words trailed off as his eyes locked on the ass of an attractive woman who was walking by.

After she’d passed I snapped my fingers to wake him from his daydream, “Earth to Josh,” I chided him.

He came to and exclaimed, “Sorry, it’s just that I’m 22 and I’m still a virgin.”

“Is that for religious reasons or just circumstance?” I asked.

“I was raised in a christian home,” he confided, “But when I turned 12 my parents said it was up to me to decide if I wanted to keep going to church or not, so I quit going. Then my best friend and I both pledged that we were going to stay virgins until marriage and that we’d keep each other accountable. It was especially hard for him though, because he had a lot of girls who liked him. He always told me to stay strong because in the end it would be worth the wait. But then a few months ago he slept with his girlfriend and now he’s telling me the exact opposite from before saying that sex is amazing and that I have to try it. But it’s not as easy for me as it is for him, there aren’t any girls who want to be with me.”

“So it was originally for religious reasons but now it’s lack of opportunity.” I concluded.

Josh nodded, “I’ve wasted a lot of time trying.”

“It wasn’t a waste,” I said, “Anything that increases your experience is…”

Just then a co-worker of mine wandered up and asked in her adorable latin accent, “Hola’ Bill, may I join you?”

I smiled, “Of course, the more the merrier.” I gestured to the open seat beside me and she seated herself carefully so as not to sit on her long black hair. I introduced her, “Josh from Texas, this is Dhiana from Argentina.”

Josh visibly reddened as he reached out and shook her hand. He squeaked out a nervous, “Pleased to meet you.”

Dhiana stabbed a green olive with her fork and asked me, “Do you have any more shows this week?”

“I have two more tomorrow.” I said.

“Good good,” she cooed looking directly into my eyes. Then she pointed her fork at me with the olive still speared on it’s end, and punctuating each word with it said, “If I am not working, I will come to watch you,” then she flirtatiously popped the olive in her mouth.

She then turned to Josh and asked, “So, what do you do?”

(I thought - Please Josh, tell her you’re studying to be an aeronautical propulsion systems mechanic.)

Josh dove into his spiel, “I am working hard to develop a serious career… See I have an important job, I almost didn’t come on this cruise because they need me so much there… And… Because I’m in charge of delivering goods to people…” he puffed himself up, “I’m a wait-tuuur!”

Dhiana said nothing, but one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows slowly raised.

Josh barreled on, self-deprecatingly he said, “I didn’t always want to be a waiter, when I was a kid I wanted to be a garbage man, no dream was too big.”

Dhiana smiled placatingly and said “Alllright...”

For the next 20 minutes Josh did 95% of the talking. He told us about his failures with women, how his room mates are always getting laid and finally a long convoluted story that ended with, “And that’s how I got these shoes for $50.” Then he looked at his watch, stood abruptly and said, “I need to meet my parents, have a good night,” and off he went.

Once he was out of earshot Dhiana looked at me with wide eyes and said, “That was verrrry strange, how did you meet him?”

“He just sat down and started telling me his story,” I shrugged, “And he said he’s a virgin.”

She delicately wiped the corner of her mouth with her napkin and whispered, “I can see why.”

...

I feel for Josh because he’s trying his best. We’re not born with social skills and an understanding of etiquette; we must learn them as we move through life, most often by making mistakes.

So let’s examine this conversation more closely and see what we can learn.

Understanding conversational threads:

Small talk isn’t small, it’s how we go from being strangers to friends. Josh shared a lot of details about himself. He said he was in college studying to be an aircraft mechanic and that he’d been raised in a religious home. He shared his troubles with women and even revealed something very personal, that he is a virgin. Each of these bits of information is a thread. Collect enough of these threads and you will be able to weave them into a conversation. But remember, you’re not just listening for the conversational threads others are giving you, you’re also responsible for dropping threads of your own for others to pick up. Pay attention to what others are saying and you will be able to gather enough threads to weave a beautiful conversation.

Exercise: Are there any other conversational threads can you identify in the above story?

...

What do you do for a living?:

When someone asks, "What do you do for a living?” What they really mean is, “I don't know much about you, tell me something interesting about yourself in the next 4 sentences.” When Dhiana asked Josh what he did for a living he answered honestly, he’s a waiter. For Josh this job is a step on his path to a career in aeronautics, but he isn’t excited about what he’s doing. There is nothing wrong with being a waiter, but the way he answered her question revealed his insecurities about it.

Instead of answering the exact question she asked, Josh could have said, “Right now I’m working odd jobs to pay my way through school, I’m one year away from being certified as an aeronautical propulsion systems mechanic.” If he’d done that he’d of been answering her question honestly while still representing himself positively. Repairing airplanes is something he is skilled in and that revelation might have helped the conversation expand into new areas.

Don’t be afraid to mention things you are interested in. By guiding the conversation towards subjects you’re attracted to you will represent yourself better.

“What do you do for a living?” is a question you will be asked 1000’s of times in your life. In some cases it may be the only opportunity you’ll have to leave an impression on someone.

Exercise: How might you better answer this question in the future?

...

Statements Vs. Questions:

Josh excels at making statements. Even his first question, “Mind if I join you?” was really a statement because he didn’t wait for an answer, he just sat down. He didn’t give me the opportunity to say no. This worked to his advantage because I wasn’t really interested in talking. I had just finished my meal and was about to leave. But he was already there so I figured I’d humor him for a few minutes before coming up with a reason to excuse myself. In those few minutes Josh shared so many things about himself that one finally caught my interest, his studies in aeronautical propulsion systems. That was when I became interested in the discussion for the first time. It was the hook, the moment when I stopped seeing him as an intruder and started seeing him as an interesting addition.

Statements can be great conversational tools because they don’t require much from the listener. If you make a statement and the listener doesn’t respond, you can make another statement, and another.

When you ask a question you relinquish control of the interaction. They might answer your question. Or they might ask why you’re asking, “Are you taking a survey?"

Where Josh struggled is that he never once asked a question. Questions, in moderation, are a great way to bring others into the discussion. Once your listener becomes interested you can start asking questions to round out the dialog.

Exercise: Write 1-2 statements you could make about yourself that will represent you positively. (Extra credit: Try to drop in a few conversational threads of your own)

...

The 60/40 balance:

From the moment Josh sat down he did most of the talking. When Dhiana joined us he got nervous and started talking even more. He’s a natural talker, so it’s ok for him to speak as much as 60% of the time in a 1 on 1 conversation, but he should slow down and give others a chance to contribute as well. When two dominant talkers meet it’s especially important that they both slow down and listen, otherwise they’ll be talking over each other the whole time.

Introverts wrestle with the opposite problem. They tend to be quiet and are often shy about revealing things about themselves. It’s good for them to try and contribute more conversationally, 40% of the time would be a good goal. When two introverts meet they’ll both need to try even harder to carry the conversation and avoid awkward silences.

Speaking no more than 60% of the time, and no less than 40% of the time, is a guideline. Every situation is unique, so use your judgement. Give everyone a chance to speak, including yourself, and the conversation will find a healthy balance.

Exercise: Do you tend to be more conversationally dominant or passive? How does this affect your interactions with others?

...

Sense when they’ve heard enough:

When you’re talking with someone, look for signs of how the information is being received. Is the listener engaged? Are they saying things like “Wow!” or “That’s cool!”? Or are they looking around the room (shoulder surfing), wishing they were somewhere else? Are they leaning in excitedly? All of these can be indicators of their involvement in the topic.

In the above story, Josh was so involved in what he was saying that he didn’t notice these signs.

At one point, Dhiana raised an eyebrow in surprise. All her answers/comments were very short. And she did not prompt him for additional details. Eventually, Josh did eject from the interaction, but it didn’t seem to be out of recognition that things weren’t developing, it seemed more like he’d run out of things to say.

Sometimes it’s best to roll out of an interaction that isn't developing. Always try to leave them wanting more. If the initial conversation is compelling enough, often the listener will seek you out later to pick things up again.

...

Recognize the lull:

The lull is a normal occurrence in conversations. Typically, it happens when you’ve been speaking with someone for a while. Suddenly, there’s a moment of silence.

Maybe the conversational threads run out, or maybe the conversation just hasn’t been overwhelming.

Whatever it is, the “moment” is distinct. Here are 3 possible ways to deal with it:

• The roll off (ending the interaction): Well it’s been a pleasure chatting with you, I need to _______ (get more food, find my friend, run, etc), have a good one.

• The save: Launch into a completely new conversational thread, but be ready to abort if they don’t engage quickly.

• Disengage: Hey, I’m gonna grab a drink, you need anything?

...

Rejection:

Sometimes things just don’t go well, and that’s ok. You never know what the other person might be dealing with. When this happens, always be calm and cool.

Simply say, “It was a pleasure chatting with you. I hope you have a good night.” Then walk away.

Trust me, you’ll be amazed at how often you’ll pat yourself on the back later if you start applying this tip.

HOMEWORK:

• Talk to men & women, especially members of the opposite sex that you don’t want anything from. The little old lady in the grocery line, a mail delivery person, asking a stranger for movie recommendations. Anything to get you talking.

Conversational skills develop over time, the more you practice the more comfortable and confident you will become.

• Listen to real conversations around you. Notice how people speak to each other. Are they confident or shy? Do you see the 60/40 rule at work? Look for conversational threads others have slipped into the exchange. These exercises will increase your social awareness and show people that you’re listening.

• Even if it’s not YOUR conversation, even if it’s not your subject of interest, try to stay engaged. Nod your head, speak encouraging phrases “Interesting”, “I never realized that”, let the speaker know you’re with them. Just be patient, most conversations will eventually hit on a subject you're excited about if you give it a chance.

• Here’s a game you can play with yourself when meeting new people. Try and discover something about them that genuinely interests you. Peel back some layers, learn about who they are.

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Final Thoughts

Josh isn't a punchline—he's a 22-year-old trying his best in a world that doesn't hand out social manuals. Most of us learn these "unwritten rules" the hard way, through cringey conversations, misreads, and kind corrections from friends or strangers. That's normal, not shameful. The point isn't to "win" at talking to women (or anyone). It's to connect more genuinely, represent ourselves honestly, and leave interactions better than we found them—whether that's making a new friend, helping someone feel heard, or just not overwhelming a tablemate at lunch. If this story helps even one guy feel less alone in figuring it out, or encourages more patience when we meet a "Josh" in real life, then sharing it was worth it. Go practice those low-stakes chats. The world needs more people who listen as much as they talk.

(Mr. Bill Berry has worked as a men’s development mentor both independently and as part of the Brotherhood Of Betterments Men's Group. He also teaches relational, social, and room reading skills like those listed above. Primarily these lessons are available to performers he's mentoring in order to improve their stage presence, social acumen, and general interactional skills. However, as many young men (and women) can benefit from these lessons, Bill has often offered assistance ranging in form from one-off sessions to ongoing training.)